Welcome to my insanity-land

OK, so it's been a while since i wrote. I know. And to top it off, this post is going to be BORING, with no pictures or even a glimpse of humor. I don't have the ability for that crap at this time. If you're out there, and looking to find a cool blog to join, this isn't going to be the one. Sorry 'bout that, but you can go here --> http://www.babewalker.com/ if you need some sarcastic funny blog-love, or maybe here if you need a sweet treat to make you drool -->http://www.confessionsofacookbookqueen.com/ , cause those things aren't on the menu here today, folks.

But if you're still here after that, well, i guess you can keep reading, you poor soul.

So, i haven't written. why? well, I blame Pinterst. And school. And working part time in addition to a full-time internship. (..but mostly Pinterest.) Because, you see, i don't want to do anymore writing lately. I want to mindlessly look at pictures and dream. And if there is a thought in my head that doesn't pertain to actually accomplishing an essay, finishing a poster, finishing a study guide, making a to-do list, etc... well, i just haven't had time for it. Or at least not the energy/will/desire to do it. Not even cakes. And i love all things cake.

But i am pretty sure i'm going crazy without an outlet for my writing. I'm irrational and angry and kinda a full-blown madwoman recently in an attempt to finish things and get life in order. What a mess. Now, I claim to be a lover of all things "Adventure," but when it abounds in shocking in-your-face reality, i want a little less adventure and a little more mundane. Classic whiner, I know.

This year will be the third year in a row that the hubby and I will be in a weird state of flux in Spring, generally from all of April to the end of June. All of May is going to be insanity, and you think i'd be a little more used to it now. My internship is finally coming to a close, which is fantastic, but i would have to say that while I'm READY for it to be over, I'm definitely not PREPARED.  Those are so totally different things, I've discovered. While I'm ready to get out into the working world and be done with school, i have a terrible case of the Lazies lately, while at the same time having so much to do that I feel like a stone rolling downhill. I just want a mental/physical break... time to reconnect and unwind instead of always being so amped up. I want to know if I'm going to be hired. I want to know where we're going to live. I want to know how we are going to make any of it happen. ...i want a lot, i know, i know. It's true.

And in the midst of it all, i have had conversations with people that really got me thinking about myself and how i'm handling it all, because people have actually told me to "stop freaking out." Which i normally tell other people, not vice versa. So, i'm changing things up a bit... first of all, even in the midst of it, i can make time for me to chill out and breathe.  ...Now, i can't technically keep the husband from worrying and running around like a loony while i'm chilling, because so far i have not figured out what magic will make that happen, but i can make the choice for myself. And i don't have to feel like a horrible person for worrying when i do get overwhelmed... because i always hit this worry/guilt cycle that goes a lot like this:

OMG, i have no idea what i'm going to do...how do i handle it all? what is going to happen? how should i prepare? have i done enough??? *flies off the handle and does crazy stuff* (...followed by:) I am such a bad person. A bad Christian, too. I obviously have no faith, and no belief in His goodness or His plan. What is my problem? I shouldn't worry so much; that is weak. I must be weak. I'm not a good person. Maybe i should just do something. ANYTHING. *flies off the handle and does crazy stuff* (aaaand then a cycle back.)

Yeah. So, that has to stop.Cause lately i've totally ripped people a new one (random strangers included), or caused friends pain over remarks i've made without even thinking, or just ignored friends outright because i'm too involved with myself to deal with their issues. Self absorbed much? yep. *sigh* 

So, first step? Back to writing. Because maybe I will be able to see a little more clearly when I'm looking at myself through my own words, and less likely to use those words in a way that could be harmful to others. The second step is taking a cue from my friend Mandy, who listens to me and lets me be insane without judgement, and choose to embrace JOY. Just remembering that it is ok to scream while on the ride, but that just remembering that i'm buckled in, and holding on, and it WILL be alright. I wont die. (And if i do, it will be a lot easier, right?) So... i'm going to go find my big girl panties and put them on right now. And then i'm going to embrace the crazy, and breathe.